God, I'm hurt
by miss-blanche
Summary: It hurt. It physically hurt. Somewhere in his chest he could feel something tearing at his lungs... Sirius' reaction to the murder of his two best friends and the knowledge that his other best friend is the traitor who sold them to Voldemort.


**A/N The other morning, in what can only be described as brilliance through fatigue and not enough coffee, I got thinking about what happened after Sirius found Lily and James and how he went after Wormtail. Consider this the result of my musing.**

* * *

**  
God, I'm hurt **

It hurt. It physically hurt. Somewhere in his chest he could feel something tearing at his lungs and hindering his breathing, something forcing the bile up his throat, something banging at his rib cage…

He didn't know what it was but God it hurt. It was all he could focus on… all he could think about. He knew that if he thought about or focused on anything else then the something inside him would devour him and he wouldn't survive. The pain would worsen and it would kill him… He was sure of it.

It was very dark. There wasn't one visible star in the sky, there were many perfectly logical explanations for this; such as the glare from a neighbouring city, but for a moment, Sirius blamed the something in his chest.

He didn't want to give it a name. A name implied ownership and he certainly didn't want to own this particular something. But he knew he would own it… That like a stray dog, it would curl up inside of him and form a connection with him… be apart of him forever.

A roar in the distance didn't bring him out of his trance. A roar in the distance wasn't about to bring that something out of him. A motorbike appeared in front of him, flying a few feet above the ground before descending and skidding a few meters and coming to a grinding halt next to him.

"Ya alright Sirius?" The giant asked. He looked down through black beady eyes sympathetically… and Sirius resented that. He didn't want anyone to look at him sympathetically, he didn't want sympathy… if he didn't have sympathy then he wouldn't have lost his two best friends.

He shuddered, grabbing his bike for support. Hagrid looked on awkwardly not knowing what to do. He patted his back as gently as he could manage, and said, "Good people, Lily and James."

Sirius couldn't take it. He needed air, but he didn't want it. If he had air he'd think properly and that was the last thing he wanted. He tried to look over at their bodies one last time but his neck wouldn't turn… an invisible force wouldn't let it. So he turned away and looked ahead.

"Thanks Hagrid." He said hoarsely, before mounting the bike and revving it. He couldn't stay. That something was so strong inside him, and every time Lily or James popped into his mind it lashed out at his insides ripping them apart.

He had to get away; from their bodies, from the sympathy and from his thoughts.

Hagrid waved him goodbye but he barely noticed, not looking back at the house he'd never seen that now lay in ruins. It briefly flittered through his mind that after everything had calmed down, questions would be asked and the blame would probably be pinned on him. Someone had betrayed Lily and James…

It was then that he realized what had happened.

It only took him a second to piece it together in his mind. A second to link that; Wormtail was their secret keeper, that he was the only one who could have handed them to the dark lord and that all along he'd been the traitor.

The something inside him took on a different form; it still hurt more than any torture curse ever had… but it was different. Because this hurt, was anger and frustration.

Lily's and James' faces disappeared from his mind and they were replaced with Wormtail's. A fury Sirius had never known built up inside of him. It took over his body within a matter of moments. He felt it and breathed it in… it poisoned him like a chemical. Invading all his cells changing them permanently.

Hatred was all he could think.

He felt it in his stomach as if he was craving it; as if he was a starving man and it was his only food.

For the first time that night, what he wanted and needed corresponded perfectly.

Revenge.

He didn't quite know where he was going, Wormtail could have been anywhere on the globe, Voldemort had probably promised safety one could only imagine, but Sirius didn't care… because he knew he wouldn't breathe air, or think rationally until he had revenge.

He rode on a track he'd worn long ago. He'd visited Wormtail often. James had had Lily and they'd feared Remus to be the traitor so all they had was each other.

The feeling of hatred seeped through his body with each new memory and realization. Everything he'd said bred more hatred; everything suspicious he'd ever done made it multiply by tens.

A few beams of sunlight were beginning to stream through the rows of houses and trees. Sirius knew he didn't have long until they realized that he was the culprit… Or they thought they realized… they would never know the true story. Because by the time they got to he and Wormtail, Wormtail would be dead.

He was a few houses away when he spotted the stout man, rushing out of the house in a rat like fashion. An overwhelming irrationality took Sirius over. He jumped from his bike, and sprinted at full pace down the path determined that the rat was not going to get away.

He screamed as loudly as his lungs would manage. Capturing Wormtail's attention. He turned slowly, as if he were in a horror movie and he was trying to catch the audience's suspense.

Sirius would never forget his eyes. The way they widened in fear, as if they knew that the eyes staring back were well past the point of rationality. Wormtail knew as he looked into those eyes, that he was going to die. Sirius could see it. He soaked it in… Not taking time to let conscious thought enter his mind.

People were beginning to appear on the street, all the commotion had caught their attention. They came from their houses and flats to peer on in curiosity.

Sirius didn't care that every single one of those onlookers were muggles; he withdrew his wand, and knew, that everything he'd ever been told about using an unforgivable curse… about meaning it… would not be a problem.

Wormtail whimpered… He had no way to run… No where to run.

"Si-Sirius please!" He stuttered.

The background blurred and all the really existed for those moments were he and Wormtail. All he could see, hear and focus on was the blithering lump in front of him, and how much he wanted to hurt him, make him pay with every inch for what he'd done.

"You little barstard!" Sirius said inaudibly, the wand in his hand shaking precariously, "You fucking little barstard."

"You murdered them!" Wormtail shouted glancing side ways, "You were their secret keeper, and you betrayed them! How else were they murdered! You were a traitor!"

For a moment Sirius didn't breathe… his heart stopped pounding. For a moment he felt that something become something else; it became the Lady Macbeth to his Macbeth, the bullet to his gun and the evil to his devil. For a full moment, Sirius was no longer the man he'd been. He couldn't remember that past life or anything in it. All he could remember was hatred.

But it was gone in a split second. An explosion upended the entire street. Screams tore at his ears and fragments of metal, wood and blood spattered around him. He looked around wildly; in search of the rat that he should never have trusted and befriended… the rat he would never ever stop hating.

He felt something crawl over his foot and looking down he found himself rooted to the spot, watching the tiny rat run past him and all the way down the path, avoiding the chaos as it went.

It took him a few seconds to react; he stood, blinking at the situation before running after it screaming in rage. He'd track don that rat if it was the last thing he ever, _ever _did.

In the distance broomsticks littered the sky. Ministry of magic officials began to appear brandishing their wands and yelling to Sirius; telling him to lower his wand immediately.

But Sirius refused. Hot tears were blinding him and he could no longer see the footpath in front of him let alone Wormtail who had just escaped through a gutter on the street. He couldn't hear his arrest through his screaming and cursing. He barely noticed the bodies littering the pristine gardens or the officials sending stunning spells his way.

One took him down. He felt his body and mind go weak at the same time and he fell to his knees. He had lost. He had lost Lily and James through death, he had lost Remus through misunderstanding and he had lost Wormtail through a deceptive and evil plot.

The only people he had ever loved were gone.

And before his mind went completely blank, he felt something die inside him.

And that was more painful, than anything.

* * *

**Eternal love for those who review.**


End file.
